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It's been over a month since I last posted. I've been busy with extracurriculars.

Do Mormons have girls who go on missions? I think I saw two for the first time today. And they were not hot, so why the fuck would people talk to them about some weird religion?

k it is also hotter than being taped under Satan's balls while he is running a marathon on a treadmill in a sauna. It would not be so bad if we all had cars and could go places in air conditioned goodness, but we have to fucking walk and take the train. In the mornings, sometimes I literally cannot stop sweating, which is not all that surprising considering the a/c comes on only sometimes, plus it is packed like a popular dance club on a Friday night. My shirt is soaked, and before 9am I feel gross, and feel that way until I come home and bathe.

But I bought this $14 fan that I put on my desk, and it has done wonders for my well-being. That is a $14 well spent.

k, pictures:

Picture 1: This was Friday night. It had been a while since hanging out with my boys. We went to Tenma, which is this dirty little district where they have a bunch of restaurants crammed together, and the great thing about the restaurants is that they are not for chilling, but to get in and out. So the first night we were in Tenma, we went to eight restaurants. Eight, muh fucka!!! Started off with some Japanese fish cakes, then sushi, Chinese, French wine, yakiniku, kushi katsu, Okinawa, Italian wine. Well this night we went exceedingly big.

Picture 2: I think I'm turning Japanese. A Japanese salaryman. I don't know how I made it home.

Picture 3: After a day of rest, where I did not leave my fucking room, we went to the Osaka beer festival. It was chill, except the glasses were tiny as fuck and it was a bitch to keep getting beer. And I really think I'm turning Japanese. Japanese people have to eat something while drinking. Back in the day I could go to a bar or wherever and get krunk without eating a goddamn thing, but now this festival was kinda gay because they did not have food, and now I cannot drink without food.

But I no longer have the craving to eat a bag of Tom's Jalapeno chips after getting krunk and getting Jack in the Box, so that's a good thing. I think.

     

Click here to download:

The_fuck.zip (596 KB)

Today I ate a $2 sandwich outside of a convenience store for dinner.
 
The sad thing is, this isn't a rare occurrence.

k let's talk about ice cream. Why is it so fucking good? I have been
thinking nonstop about ice cream for days and have had it for dinner
for many many days straight. At first I told myself it is because ice
cream is gentle on the stomach and I need that after a week of
horrendous diarrhea, and I need the calcium, but let's be honest it's
because I am a fat kid on the inside and would like nothing more than
to sit down with a tub of ice cream and watch Under Siege.
 
k by the way I think I mentally gave myself diarrhea because a week
ago, at the gym, I thought to myself, "FML. I really, really want to
take a week off." Bam. A week of illness.
 
k back to ice cream. The greatest ice cream ever is Baskin Robbins
Mint Chocolate Chip. If any of you fuckers talk to me about Cold Stone
you can go fuck yourself. ok, Mitchell's has some pretty good ice
cream, especially the Macapuno and Thin Mint (right Jake?) but it does
not compare to the goodness and availability of Baskin Robbins. I
fucking love Baskin Robbins so much. And luckily, in the little
village I live in, well it's more of a town than village, we have a
Baskin Robbins.
 
There are some things I would like to teach you about Japan:
1. Baskin Robbins is known as "31" or "31 Ice."
2. Mint and chocolate do not mix in the Japanese mind, so Baskin
Robbins is just about the only place to get Mint Chocolate Chip.
3. Right now they are having "Challenge the Triple" campaign, which is
three scoops for $6. That is not much of a challenge because it is
like a double scoop back in the States, plus I used to eat a pint at a
time back in the day.

Two nights ago I had this dream, perhaps the better word is nightmare,
where a dude from our shipping department and our guests from Iraq
kept on telling me to do ridiculous ass shit at work. I woke up once
every hour screaming “Charles, NO!!!” (big ups if you get that
reference) During one episode of the kind of awake state, I thought,
“my stomach really hurts”. It did not hurt.
 
The night stressed me out so much my shoulders and back hurt like I
had lifted a car off of The Tiz.
 
I was utterly worthless all day and after work got a massage, which
made my shoulders and back feel better, but a few hours earlier, my
stomach had started hurting like I’m menstruating.
 
I rushed home and laid down, which was nice.
 
Today, my stomach hurts like I have stomach cancer, and have been
having the ‘rea all day. I don’t know where all this is coming from,
especially since I didn’t even have dinner last night.
 
The plus side is I like to imagine that this pain isn’t going to
waste, because my body is extracting fat and that is what I am
shitting.
 
_____
 
In Japan people are always real close together, like on trains, and so
some people put privacy covers on their cellphone screens. I
understand if you're a hot girl and do that because you don't want
some drunk 40 year salaryman panting over your shoulder while you send
pictures of your pussy with the Subject: ~*gigglez*~ to your friends.
Today, I saw a dude that looked homeless who had a privacy cover, and
I am absolutely sure that nobody would ever want to know what the fuck
is on his screen.
 
I am more sure of this than the correct choice between a bag of M&M's
(the regular kind, not even the p-nut), and a lifetime supply of
blowjobs provided by The Tiz.

I was walking past the washing machine and heard it on its final spin cycle, so I thought that I'd wait there so I wouldn't have to walk back to put my sheets in the dryer. I waited. And waited.

By that point I started arguing that I should probably be doing something other than watching the washing machine on its final spin cycle on a Saturday. But I had already invested all that time, so I waited.

FML.

But it is past 5:30 so it is ok

This whole week there was this awful smell emanating from either myself or my desk. I could not locate the elusive offensiveness until today. It was my fucking watch. What the fuck.

I love watches, and have worn one daily since I stopped wearing a diaper, and this is the first time that a watch has smelled this bad.

It has a stainless steel band. What is wrong?

I think this was last Saturday, when a couple of my classmates came down from Nagoya.
Point 1: This restaurant was ridic. All you can eat and drink, 2 hours, $37. It was all food that I <333, such as fried chicken, french fries, pizza, and sausages, and I could not believe that it was unlimited.
Point 2: Apparently in Nagoya (where Toyota is headquartered), the company has enough clout to limit the amount of train infrastructure and has made it so people drive their own cars instead of taking public transportation. So while salesmen in our company stationed elsewhere can leave work saying that they have to catch the last train (trains for some reason stop around midnight), salesmen in Nagoya do not have that excuse, and they regularly work until 1 in the morning. That's nucking futs.

What is more nucking futs is something I will tell you about the Third World.

Yesterday was the last day for our Iraqi guests, and while we were enjoying coffee and pastries, we started talking about weaponry, and I asked how much one could get a RPG for. One of the guys was really into the gun market and knew the prices of everything. But that is neither here nor there. RPGs can be had for $1,000.

That is a bit crazy, but this is information you probably know.

A bomb was then dropped on me, and in this case, you may be thinking that it was a real bomb, but I am just talking figuratively ok

This was a bigger bomb than when I found out that dogs menstruate.

People in Iraq will buy a RPG, plant it in the house of an enemy, and call the authorities, because having a RPG lands you in jail. For two years.

Hahahaha.

I forgot my umbrella at a restaurant. Today, I was just thinking about what a nice umbrella it was, even though it cost a mere ¥500, which is around $5. I was comparing it to this expensive umbrella I bought at Neiman Marcus, and how there really wasn't much of a difference, and I had been using it for years. Fuck me.

But that is not as bad as my train pass. At our company we get 6 month train passes, which for me costs around $1,100. So that is something I really don't want to lose, especially at the start of the 6 months. Dropped it in a taxi today and the taxi driver was nice enough to flag me down and give it back to me.

Picture 1: I went to the electronics store today with our guests from Iraq, and I saw this shit. What the fuck. The cool things about Legos is that they are just blocks, so you can create anything you want. Now they fucking come in kits and you make whatever the instructions say, which defeats the whole purpose of Legos.

Picture 2: These are four of my classmates. One of them is my favorite. Guess who.

People in Japan are freaking the fuck out about the swine flu. You should see the trains and train stations; everyone besides me and a couple of other stunters are wearing masks. Anyway, almost every business is requiring their employees to don masks. That sucks.

At the electronics store, there was this girl who helped us who, just by looking at her eyes, was hot as The Tiz, but then I looked at her picture on her ID card and was like DO NOT WANT. That's unfortunate.

It is 10:35pm on a Friday night, and I am at home, writing this. Isn't that sad? I am dead tired, and on the train tonight, I was thinking how much I like riding the train at that time because it is empty (since everyone is out drinking and having fun). That is kinda like people who like to go to bars during the day because there aren't all those people around hogging the bartenders' attention.

   

Click here to download:

FML.zip (257 KB)

What's shaking.

This week we have 3 customers visiting us from Iraq.

You know I hate to lump people in a general category, because we all know that girls who are so-so looking don't always have better personalities than girls that are hot, but I feel that people from the Middle East are about as adventurous eaters as 9 year olds from Texas. After two dinners at a Denny's type restaurant I was at a loss as to where to take them, and so I figured I'd take them to this place that has shisha. People from the Middle East like to smoke water pipes.

We arrive, sit down, and they overhear one of the waiters speaking Arabic, so they call him over and ask him if he is an Arab. The waiter says that no, he is not an Arab, but is from the region. They ask him where, exactly. Israel.

Fuck my life.

They immediately tense up, and the Jew had the social skills of one with Asperger's, and stood there, waiting for us to decide on what to eat. I politely ask if he would give us a few minutes, then ask my guests if they would prefer to dine somewhere else. Once outside, they immediately go on a tirade on how much they hate Israel. And of course, as an aside, how much they hate America. While smoking Malboros and wearing clothing from the fine retailer known as The Gap.

After finding out that I was raised in California, they like to tell me what is wrong with America. It puts me in an awkward position because I was raised in California and <333 it, but I now live in Japan, and look like I could be the president of Sony.

The best part about working at my company is that any service barber/beauty related can be had for free, as long as you are not a complete cunt. Girls can get their nails done, can get facials, waxing, whatever. Haircuts, color, and even perms can be free. Today one of my classmates who is training to be a head spa instructor gave me a relaxing head spa, and thanked ME afterwards for being her "model" to practice on. That is like dudes who post ads on craigslist to pay money to suck dick. What the fuck shouldn't it be the other way around?

I think that's the second time I've mentioned guys paying to suck dick, and that is twice more than necessary, so I apologize.

The only time I watch TV is at the gym, because there are TVs everywhere and it gets in my field of view, like bouncing titties. One of my dreams is to become a TV star, perhaps for being the blackest man in Japan. From the waist up, anyway. I realized that to be on TV in Japan, you have to be pretty athletic, because they always have you doing obstacle courses and other physical activities. Today I watched a bunch of people playing a room sized Whack-A-Mole. Good thing I'm at the gym.

Let me repeat. It is fucking hot. I have the air conditioner working like a Mexican and that is making things bearable.

What is unbearable is how much people here are freaking the fuck out about the swine flu. I'm constantly asked if I have the swine flu (from my visit to the US), and at work my boss gave me a mask that I have to wear like a fucking rapist. And that is not helping with the whole heat thing.

And some health official has been calling me for who knows what the fuck reason. He is probably going to ask if I have any flu-like symptoms. Even if I did I wouldn't be fucking telling him because that is just a pain in the ass. Since when do they have such leeway and resources to call EVERY FUCKING PERSON THAT HAS COME INTO THE COUNTRY?

I really should've written false information down but that just seemed more trouble than it's worth.

At work the dude in front of me and I have taken to eating sunflower seeds like hamsters. I've become quite the expert. I can take a small handful, shove them in the left side of my mouth, split and eat them in the middle, and store the shells in the right side. Then when they are all done, I spit the whole wad out (after sucking out all the salt, of course) into a little paper cup. I just realized that's probably not the most attractive thing and I <333 the girl next to me so I should probably stop doing that.

Spitting sunflower seeds : Spitting chewing tobacco is like:

A. Taken a peek at sister's titties : Have fucked sister once or twice. In the butt.
B. Work a 9-5 job with a computer : Sit in the parking lot of Home Depot from 9-5
C. Going to jail for a DUI : Going to jail for domestic violence
D. Taken the SATs : Proud 2nd grade graduate

ALL OF THE ABOVE