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k so I'm in Hokkaido, which is the northern island in Japan, and where both my parents are from. It is fucking sweet. It's not hot, at all, almost cold sometimes, and the women are the most beautiful in Japan.

And the food is the most Jessica Alba fantastic. I should live here.

Picture 1: Whenever I am in Sapporo, it is an absolute must for me to eat and drink at the Sapporo Beer factory's restaurant. They have what is called Genghis Khan, a speciality of Hokkaido and named after that stunta, which is grilled lamb on this special pan. The pan is said to be shaped like a helmet, and soldiers would cook their meat on their helmets at the end of the day. If you know anything about cooking lamb, you know that it reeks and seeps into your clothes more than cigarettes. Those soldiers must've smelled delicious.

You can see that the pan is shaped like fucking Hokkaido which would be tacky as fuck anywhere else, but just so appropriate and baller here. I love the Sapporo Beer factory.

Picture 2: As an aside, we grilled some lamb tonight, and because we couldn't see shit outside, we moved indoors to the garage. The garage fits four cars plus a bunch of shit, and opens at either end, yet the whole place reeks of lamb hours later. That is how stunner Genghis Khan is.

So this restaurant is fucking delicious, and it is all you can eat and drink for around $35 a person. They give you plastic bags to put your shit in so it doesn't smell awful. My mom put her cellphone inside the bag.

Picture 3: Whenever I come to my grandparents' place, I go to the beach, a short 7 minute walk away. When I was a kid my parents and grandparents always used to take me here to catch crabs and other creatures of the sea. There are these stores that sell pieces of squid on a wire that you use to lure the crabs, which is fun when you're a kid. Today I saw couples my age trying to catch crabs, and thought, "What the fuck."

The holy grail was trying to catch fish. Never caught a fish.

Picture 4: Look a little gay, but that is cause I'm enjoying my vacation, ok~~~~~

       

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Still_on_vacation.zip (1955 KB)

What's harder: stopping mid orgasm, or stopping mid vomit?

What's more ghey: Going to the gym in a polo shirt with a popped collar, or wearing really short shorts?

Picture 1: We went virtual golfing the other day, and I was beaten by a girl.

Picture 2: This month has not been a healthy one for me. The other day I went to dinner with this girl, and I was prepared to leave right after dinner, but she wanted to drink some wine, so I obliged. One bottle of white, and I wanted another one. I don't remember a goddamn thing after the first bottle, which leads me to believe I should stop drinking wine. Or, I was drugged. Apparently I was hitting on the waitress the whole night.

I woke up in my bed, with my contacts in and without having showered, which has happened less than five times in my life. I don't know how I got home, or what kind of things I had done that night.

I checked my phone, and of course I had drunk dialed and texted like a champion. But the girl had hollered multiple times without my having texted/called once, so apparently my antics didn't faze her.

Then I was looking at pictures in my phone, and stumbled upon this. At first glance I thought it was me, and thought, "Fuck, not again" but it was someone else.

Picture 3: This is a $30,000 monkey. $30,000. That is like a Vacheron Constantin, or an inexpensive new car. And there are fucking two of them. Who the fuck would buy a $30,000 monkey at a dirty little pet store? I posed this question to the dude that sits across from me at work, and he says that because we work in an area with a thriving sex trade, rich dudes will buy their hostesses and escorts the monkeys, and they will either keep the monkeys as pets, or turn around and sell them for $20,000.

Which makes sense, because where we work there are more second hand brand name goods stores than Chinatown.

Then there is this other animal with huge eyes and it is such an odd creature. But it was sleeping, so I could not take a good pic of it.

Alright, I'm off to Hokkaido.

     

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On_vacation.zip (1533 KB)

Waiting for the train today, I was kinda out of it and looking around when my eyes landed on a sweet pair of tits like a fly on a piece of delicious mango. I mouthed the word "Damn" while slowly looking up to capture the face, because tits just get 10x better when paired with a face like Vanessa Carlton. Girl was fucking 15. She was with a bunch of her classmates, and the dudes caught me peeping, and I felt like such a fucking perv. Fuck my life.

Reason #2 why Osaka is the most annoying place in Japan: the taxi drivers. Granted, some are cool as fuck and will crack dick and pussy jokes with you all day long, but most are the most rude pieces of shit ever and should be shipped off to North Korea. Not only are they as rude as an upper class white woman at a birthday party for a poor black person, they are fucking retarded. I'll give them a nice map which clearly has all the necessary information to get to where I need to go, and they'll ask "How do I get there?" At first I thought they were asking "Which roads would you like me to take to get there," but no, they were literally asking, "How do I get there?"

How the fuck does a taxi driver not know how the fuck to get to where I need to go when looking at a goddamn map?

What really bothers me is when they get lost and end up circling, running the meter up. I tell them that I'm not paying for the costs of them getting lost, and I don't know why any sane person would argue with that, but they'll always argue until they realize they are transporting the biggest Juwe outside of Hollywood and Israel and they are not getting a fucking yen out of me.

At work sometimes I’ll see emails that say “Person X wants to recall this message.” Since when do people have the technology to unsend emails? That shit was the best feature of AOL, but for regular email, how is it possible?

People from Osaka are the most annoying people in Japan. I can write a fucking telephone book size book on the reasons, but the reason for today is that they ride their fucking bikes on the goddamn sidewalk, no matter how crowded it is, and have the fucking nerve to ring their “get out of the way” bells. What the fuck.

It’s even worse now because women will have parasols affixed to their bicycles, and will roll down the sidewalk, and since the sharp parts of the parasols are eye/head level, it is a dangerous maneuver, like having the urge to yell that fun word in a fried chicken restaurant full of people that frequent those types of restaurants. Usually I’ll stick my hand out so they’ll scoot out of the way, but that sometimes bothers me even more because they look like I am the one that is inconveniencing them.

It saves time in the morning, and I look like a badass every other day.

You know when you have a bug bite or something that itches, and hot water sprays on it, like in the shower, it feels great? That's great.

Today when I came home the cleaning/cooking lady really passive aggressively told me that I came home krunk as fuck last Thursday and was loud. Things happen. This time, it had been a while since going to dinner with this one coworker, and we did some damage, drinking beers and then three bottles of wine between the two of us. We left around 10, which left around 2 hours until the last train, and I'm pretty sure I got on the train, but when I woke up I was in a cab. Without my phone. FML.

What probably happened is I fell asleep on the train because I was so krunksicle and took it to the last stop, which is hella far away. Then took a cab back home.

And about my phone, that bothered me because I had just bought it the other day. But when I got home and took off my shirt, it fucking popped out of nowhere like a magic trick.

Let me tell you about my phone. It's sick. I bought it for the camera; it has a 10 megapixel one with a flash. It takes nicer pictures than my digital camera. And it's on my fucking phone. It has a shutter button and shit on it so it's like using a digital camera. But the UI is probably the gayest thing since DOS so it's not that great.

Let's talk Japanese baseball. The teams are not called {place} team name, like the San Francisco Giants, but are called {company that owns them} team name, like the Yomiuri Giants. Yomiuri is like our New York Times, and there are other big companies, like the Softbank (cell phone carrier) Hawks, but why aren't more stunner Japanese companies like Sony or Honda buying baseball teams?

My fave is the Nippon Ham Fighters.

Today at lunch I was discussing onsen (hot springs) and nudist colonies with a coworker, and she was telling me that at those places she wouldn't mind being topless that much, but to be fully nude is a complete no. Why is that? Girls, unless one is rocking meat curtains that are truly Ripley's Believe it or Not worthy, are not going to differ all that much, compared to guys. And Japanese girls, from what I've been told, have more hair growing on their vajay-jays than the fur on a four month old kitten, so nobody is going to see shit.

Life is all about gambling, like when you are gambling, but sometimes choices are not so straightforward, like whether or not to eat that piece of dog shit you just passed because you skipped lunch.

I am talking about member's cards for love hotels.

Member's cards are either free, or can be had for a nominal fee, less than $5, and members get discounted rates on rooms, and points that can be used on brand name bags and such. This sounds like it is full of win, like a hot girl who loves giving blowjobs but absolutely hates cunnilingus more than she hates Mexicans, however, there is a catch. There always is.

When going to a hotel with a girl who you are about to have some fun with for the first time, it's not that chill to bust out the card. Chances are she won't be impressed.

The gamble gets complicated here if you don't want her seeing the card, so your options are:
1. Send her inside the room, while you take care of the financials. This is a safe bet in using the card, and getting a discounted rate, but if you are a complete Juwe like me, you consider...

2. Girls, even girls who don't mind paying half for dinner, hate paying for a hotel. Inversely, as much as they hate paying for a hotel, that is how much I like it when they pay for it. So what I like to do is go in, and stand at the entrance like I'm retarded and don't know what is going on, so she'll get the hint and lay down some Yen. This is how to spend even less money than getting the discounted rates.

But sometimes they do not get the hint, and so you end up footing the entire bill, sans discounted rates. That sucks.

But on YouTube, so that is extra ghetto.

You know what bothers me? People who are fucking home all day in the dorms, yet insist on doing laundry after 7pm, when everyone gets home. There is this dude that lives here who has not regularly gone to work in over a year due to depression. He'll go in perhaps once every two weeks for a couple hours, but mostly he stays home. Why can't he do laundry when everyone is gone in the afternoon?

And then there is the cleaning/cooking lady, who is also home all day. Why can't she do laundry during the day, instead of monopolizing the machines when everyone gets home from work?

I got some pics from the BBQ on Saturday.

Picture 1: This is me with a girl from work. She is the singer with the voice of Vanessa Carlton and The Tiz. She sits across and to the right of me at work. She is also a walking restaurant guide, and is an unbelievable go-to for culinary delights. I was looking for this one Italian restaurant; I had been there twice, but krunk, so I knew generally where it was, but not the name or anything, and so the criteria I gave her were "bar seating, with some outside seats, in Namba (a town), inexpensive wine, but a big selection," and she came back with the right restaurant in one try. I <333 that.

It looks like we just got married in this picture and I thought it was fun so I put it as my background on my computer at work. She did too, so that's very sweet.

She said she's going to send it to her boyfriend. I don't know about that, because boyfriends get jealous, and jealous boyfriends like to perform random acts of violence and/or prank calling.

Picture 2: I was told that I looked "blue" while grilling. I don't know if I was blue; it was just hot as fuck and that just made me irritated.

   

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I_have_been_listening_to_Rappe.zip (710 KB)

For lunch today I went to this burger place I've been wanting to go to for a while. I finally had a nice, American style big burger, with bacon, and a couple beers, and was very satisfied.

Picture 1: Last night my department had a BBQ at our manager's house. You don't even know how hot hot is until you're sitting outside, in Osaka, and cooking on a hellish grill for a bunch of people from work. But that is neither here nor there. Of course, at the end came karoake. This dude was absolutely horrible, but sang with gusto, so big ups. This one girl was absolutely ridic, and big ups, in a different way. She was like a fucking professional singer.

Q: What is the greatest Japanese invention?
A: No, not bukkake. Not Nintendo either. Love hotels.

Let me school you on love hotels.

Picture 2: k so you walk in with hopefully an attractive, DTF girl on your arm, and you won't see a goddamn soul. You'll see a picture board like this, which will have pictures of each room, with the going rate. You can either stay for the night, which is usually something like 10pm-10am, or you can "rest," for an hourly fee. Press the button for the corresponding room, and you'll get a printed ticket, like you're waiting in line for a sandwich at the deli.

This one room at this hotel near work I want to stay at has a fucking pool inside the room. It is quite expensive though, so we'll have to save that for a special occasion, like The Tiz.

Picture 3: Some nights the hotel will be full like the birthing canal of a woman giving birth. Like last night, since there was a big festival. There are these little waiting spaces with a sofa and TV, so you and your slunt can get ready. You may be thinking, "Yasu, that looks like a great place to just chill. Why don't you just go there and knock back a couple to kill some time?" There are cameras like a casino, and unless the hotel is full, they will kick you out quicker than DeSha'uan at a Klan Kovention.

Picture 4: Take the elevator up to whatever floor, and a gentle flashing light will alert you to which room you're supposed to go to.

MANNER TIP: If there is another couple waiting for the elevator, do not go in with them.

If you're planning to spend the night, you need pay up front, using this machine right inside the room. Japan is largely a cash based society so you do not need to worry about your wife looking at your credit card statements and finding some questionable charges.

Picture 5: This room I kept it real at last night was pretty sweet. $150, and was for four people, but I was a bit krunk, so did not realize that at the time. Most hotel rooms will have a big TV with a selection of porn (though in Japan the fun parts are blurred out, so how the fuck is that porn?) and karaoke. And regular movies too. But honestly, why would you come to a love hotel and watch movies?

Picture 6: Having two beds was nice, because when one bed was you know... you could switch.

Picture 7: Everything, lights, a/c, music, and TV, is controlled through this control panel next to the bed.

Picture 8: The bathrooms feature everything you need for a pleasant stay, from toothbrushes, to contact lens cases and solution, face wash, whatever. A couple hotels have this mousse which is just ridic and makes me look like a fucking YouTube star, and at every drugstore and convenience store I've looked for it, but nobody sells it. You might be thinking, "Yasu, why don't you just jack the mousse next time?" Well, I have definitely considered that, but they don't have a fucking cap to prevent that from happening, and the can is such a weird shape that I can't bring a cap from something else to smuggle it out without getting mousse everywhere.

Picture 9: Only the worst hotels will not have a TV in the bathroom. This tub was rather large though.

Picture 10: Peace.

                   

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A_double_update..zip (3954 KB)

I am a timely individual, and in Japan, I thought everyone else would be too. I was wrong.

Lately I have been meeting people at the entrance to a nearby subway station, and that place is perfect for people watching because it is busy enough to keep my shit stimulated, but not such a clusterfuck that I feel like I am in China at a convention for shysty, dirty people. My favorite game to play while people watching is called "Match Maker." I'll take a look around at the other people that are waiting, and try to guess what kind of person he/she is waiting for.

For example, if it is some hot slunt, I'll look for another hot slunt in similar attire, a geezer, or a pretty cool dude.

Sometimes I'll be horribly wrong, like Friday night. There was this really, really unattractive girl with a huge frown on her face, so you can't even say that she has a good personality. I was surprised to see she was waiting for a pretty good looking dude. I wonder what the fuck that was all about.

I had to share these YouTubes with you; I think about these at work and start lol'ing. That is a problem in a Japanese company ok

Today I went swing dancing with a friend. It was very ~*gigglez*~ I found about it through Japanzine, a free magazine that you can get at foreigner bars in Japan. My favorite column is "Ask Kazuhide," where you can find such gems as:

Dear Kazuhide,
What's your favorite Manga?
-Celio

Dear Celio,
I rike the Tezuka Osamu title Black Jack. He is wonderful genius who have many idea stolen by the Walt Disney Corp. in USA. American is always brag the original creative, but many times they are steal it. For example, Ben Affreck movie Pearl Harbour is many ideas coming from original Japanese idea to drop the bombs in Hawaii.

Haha

What is the one thing that anybody in the world has to look twice, or thrice at?

No, not a traffic accident.

A gigantic ass shit, in a toilet. Think about it, I don't give a fuck who you are, even Jessica Alba, if by herself, goes into a bathroom and sees a turd the size of a Mars bar that was specially made for a giant, would probably initially look away, but she would look again, and again.

I realized this when I took a dump that made me feel like I had gotten raped, and I could not stop looking at it like it was an asteroid.

k so Japan has some pretty sweet magazines. My favorite is this one called "egg". It is a magazine geared towards trendy slunts, about trendy slunts. If I had a daughter like that I don't know what I would do. I used to hone my Japanese language skills reading a column titled "Animal Talk," where girls write letters about their sexcapades. They are fucking stupid, and so it does not require a high level of reading comprehension, and is entertaining, so it was honestly the best way to study Japanese. I suggest you do that if you ever come here and need to learn.